The end of innocence

I still get nightmares about my past relationship. The acts, words, the remarks still cut through my heart every morning. There are days I think I deserved this because I was too timid to speak up, to low on confidence to confront the abusive guys. I doubt my abilities to pick up on guys.

And yet, I am fully aware I am not the only one going through ghost of past relationships, still haunted by them. And I also know that this is not the only article on this topic. Still, I would like to share my thoughts around it. How these toxic relations have affected me. My only hope is if I can get some salvation.

“I never said that”

“You are depressed, too sensitive”

After 2 years of hearing these words, I came to know that there is a term for it. Gaslighting. You are made to believe what you heard/saw/said was never true. That your own ears/eyes/mouth are deceiving you. Gradually, you start believing these words and even start questioning yourself.

“Your problems are nothing, see this person is going through a harrowing experience”

Well, yeah! Thank you for your toxic positivity. How ironic is it that once someone is centre of your world when romance is in full bloom? Their simple issues — even if it’s a toenail ripping off is more critical than the world’s burning issues. And when the initial fizz has died down, even my emotional meltdown is nothing compared to the world.

When you need support, and look for some kind of support; just to keep you afloat for some more time. You may that last attempt to catch hold of even a frail log in the hopes of getting the support. You realize that the log is actually a cobra — ready to swallow you. How excruciating the pain is — not of being eaten by a poisonous snake; but by the breach of trust.

The best part after all this is that the world does not end here! You make mistakes, and even though it is seemingly unattainable, we do move on and accept to be at peace.